Finally when my name was called out, I just could not hold my smile. I jumped on to the stage, stumbled a little on the green, clean carpet that Maali Baba was beating the dust off a few days back, and ran to Principal ma'am, all the time looking the other way, into the audience, to Abbu. And sure enough, he stood there applauding, like any other father, yet so different from all the other fathers in the room. Abbu was not a very tall man, yet his features attracted people automatically. He had a round face, and an ever-present stubble, owing to his starting to shave very early, he told me. And even when the stubble was absent, what was never amiss from Abbu's face was his smile. Abbu's smile was.. just Abbu's. He could scare pigeons away with his laugh, but his smile drew everyone closer, its warmth calmed everyone around him.
I never kept any secrets from Abbu. I could not. My father got me my first ever doll, Kusum. Actually, to be fair, Ammi bought it, but still Abbu was the one who gave Kusum to me on my birthday. Groggy, sleepy-eyed, I went back to sleep on Ammi's chest till Abbu tickled me awake.
"Nasreen, look here”, he said, and all I remembered was his smile. I saw Kusum later, I first noticed his smile. Abbu told me, in fact, to name the doll Kusum. And so Kusum she was called. Like the name, Abbu used to whisper tiredly into my ear the times when Ammi wasn't home, and we, Abbu and I, slept together. I would know that was the end, when I would slowly roll over and sleep.
While coming back from the school, I could not stop talking about Tabitha, my new Christian friend from 6-A. Tabitha said she was Goanese, but wasn't she Christian? I asked Abbu, because he had all the answers. He knew about the President, about big numbers and how to calculate the value of x each time, he knew why certain birds fly and others don’t, he knew why Ammi’s rotis were soft and fluffy while his were crunchy and thin. He knew why after the terrible stomach ache, why the place between my legs started bleeding. But he softly called Ammi to explain. Ammi told me to not ask other girls if they had it too. But I asked Tabitha. She seemed genuinely surprised to know that I knew, and that got us talking. Anyway, Abbu then told me how Tabitha did not do namaaz the way we did, and also that she was from this small state that he promised he'll point to her on the atlas he'll get for my 12th birthday, which was just a month away.
“But then, Abbu, how did Allah listen to her then? Is that why Tabitha had to live in an orphanage? Because she was Christian?”
Abbu laughed and said that she had Jesus the same way I had Allah. I did not like Jesus. Why must he make Tabitha live without Abbu and Ammi? “Abbu, so Tabitha doesn’t have that secret?”
Abbu paused and looked right ahead, the smile on his face had vanished. “Tasreen, we talked about the secret. You never mention it to anyone. Not even Ammi or me. Is this not mentioning it?” Abbu’s voice was hard, hoarse and cold. I did not like this Abbu. But the good thing was, he did not stay this way for long. Soon enough, the smile was back and we stopped at Kwality Walls and I had a Strawberry Cone without letting anything drip over my hands carefully, just the way Abbu had taught me, with other things. Ammi wasn’t home when we reached. She was rarely home ever since she got transferred to the airport. I knew what that meant. I quickly undressed and waited in the bedroom for Abbu to finish showering.
When Ammi came home that night, I told her about my prize and Tabitha. Ammi seemed surprised at me making friends with Tabitha. “Nasreen”, she started, her mouth full of fluffy roti, that she made, “you are growing up now, you must understand that we are very respected people in the society. You shouldn’t hang around with riff-raff like that.” She glared at Abbu.
Abbu, with his warm smile took charge. He told me that Tabitha was a nice girl but I should play with Yasmeen and Sabiqa. I sometimes just couldn’t get Ammi.
I left dinner and went to my room. I sat there and cried, my stomach hurt, so did the place between my legs. Outside, Ammi and Abbu were shouting at each other because they did not like Tabitha. I wanted to be Tabitha then. To not have a fighting Ammi and Abbu, to not have a secret.
I never kept any secrets from Abbu. I could not. My father got me my first ever doll, Kusum. Actually, to be fair, Ammi bought it, but still Abbu was the one who gave Kusum to me on my birthday. Groggy, sleepy-eyed, I went back to sleep on Ammi's chest till Abbu tickled me awake.
"Nasreen, look here”, he said, and all I remembered was his smile. I saw Kusum later, I first noticed his smile. Abbu told me, in fact, to name the doll Kusum. And so Kusum she was called. Like the name, Abbu used to whisper tiredly into my ear the times when Ammi wasn't home, and we, Abbu and I, slept together. I would know that was the end, when I would slowly roll over and sleep.
While coming back from the school, I could not stop talking about Tabitha, my new Christian friend from 6-A. Tabitha said she was Goanese, but wasn't she Christian? I asked Abbu, because he had all the answers. He knew about the President, about big numbers and how to calculate the value of x each time, he knew why certain birds fly and others don’t, he knew why Ammi’s rotis were soft and fluffy while his were crunchy and thin. He knew why after the terrible stomach ache, why the place between my legs started bleeding. But he softly called Ammi to explain. Ammi told me to not ask other girls if they had it too. But I asked Tabitha. She seemed genuinely surprised to know that I knew, and that got us talking. Anyway, Abbu then told me how Tabitha did not do namaaz the way we did, and also that she was from this small state that he promised he'll point to her on the atlas he'll get for my 12th birthday, which was just a month away.
“But then, Abbu, how did Allah listen to her then? Is that why Tabitha had to live in an orphanage? Because she was Christian?”
Abbu laughed and said that she had Jesus the same way I had Allah. I did not like Jesus. Why must he make Tabitha live without Abbu and Ammi? “Abbu, so Tabitha doesn’t have that secret?”
Abbu paused and looked right ahead, the smile on his face had vanished. “Tasreen, we talked about the secret. You never mention it to anyone. Not even Ammi or me. Is this not mentioning it?” Abbu’s voice was hard, hoarse and cold. I did not like this Abbu. But the good thing was, he did not stay this way for long. Soon enough, the smile was back and we stopped at Kwality Walls and I had a Strawberry Cone without letting anything drip over my hands carefully, just the way Abbu had taught me, with other things. Ammi wasn’t home when we reached. She was rarely home ever since she got transferred to the airport. I knew what that meant. I quickly undressed and waited in the bedroom for Abbu to finish showering.
When Ammi came home that night, I told her about my prize and Tabitha. Ammi seemed surprised at me making friends with Tabitha. “Nasreen”, she started, her mouth full of fluffy roti, that she made, “you are growing up now, you must understand that we are very respected people in the society. You shouldn’t hang around with riff-raff like that.” She glared at Abbu.
Abbu, with his warm smile took charge. He told me that Tabitha was a nice girl but I should play with Yasmeen and Sabiqa. I sometimes just couldn’t get Ammi.
I left dinner and went to my room. I sat there and cried, my stomach hurt, so did the place between my legs. Outside, Ammi and Abbu were shouting at each other because they did not like Tabitha. I wanted to be Tabitha then. To not have a fighting Ammi and Abbu, to not have a secret.
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