After a long time, hi. It's been long, indeed. These three weeks have been quite a lesson in life. You know, one of those lessons in life that just come by you and take you by surprise? Yes, one of those. Life already feels different. It looks more artificial and in all honesty, a little pointless, like a handful of clay in the midst of a sea beach. But somewhere inside, you know you'll get used to this. The waves will wash away the little clay, leaving nothing but the vast expanse of golden sand again.
I slept for 5 hours last night. Again, after a long time. I have tasks pending, yes, but those do not have deadlines. My internet history now only speaks of websites I download study material from, and portals where I upload my assignments. My stomach's grumbling today. Three weeks of continues fried potatoes in some way or the other takes a toll on even the robust of stomachs. A lot of people are down with viral. A lot of people got over with it, while I stand away. Apprehensive of the rhinovirus, as much as their friendship.
Yes, friendship is a tricky business now. And you know that. We're grown up. We're in a competitive world. People out there are ready to slit throats to get ahead. The good thing is, I've learnt to identify such people. I've learnt to not trust people easily. But the good thing (?) is that other people know too. So everyone roams about with a searching look in their eyes. The guards are down, as much as the x-ray machines are up. Some people are married in my group. Some are engaged to be married. Some are to-be engaged to be married. Some have girlfriends and boyfriends. Some do not.
The level of maturity fluctuates. But it's alright. I never segregate, I never judge. I do not make friends, but I talk to everyone. In the 150-odd batch, a lot of people know me. They can point me out in a crowd and call out "Dutta", knowing that I'll look back and not Aniruddh or Abhishek even though their last name is Dutta too. Of late, writing has become more of a latent thing. A lot of poetry comes to me the way it used to, just that there is no means to put it on black and white. So I let it run wild, in the wildest hope that it'll come back to me again. But like the clouds in the skies, even it comes back, there's no way of knowing so. It is never the same. That's also the mantra for life.
Mantra is the key word here. Everyone invents their abbreviations for terms as simple as Target Group (TG) or First Come First Serve (FCFS). I don't know- probably I'm being too anal-retentive about all this, but there is a certain 'thing' about full forms- is it that they are clearer? Objectively understandable? But nevertheless, in this respect too, I know I'll speak the lingo in a few days. I already jabber on about 4P's and 5C's to random people, I don't know what the future has in store.
And all this while, this little while that I'm up with no work (categorically, well, A LOT of work, with, like I said, no deadlines) I realise I'm just going with the flow. And I'm happy with that. I'm not one of these people who chase their passion and do what they really love to do, and let go of something really lucrative in the bargain. I envy those people, yes, sometimes more so than ever, but I know I cannot be one of them. The risk is very high. I always seem to look at the what-if-this-doesn't-work-out situation and I take steps back. It's better to not want anything so much in life that you have to specifically go upstream to get it. Going with the flow is better. Your muscles hurt less. The water is not in your face.
I guess this is enough. I have successfully lost track of what I was saying. My alarm has also gone off, which means I have another session in a short while. Just a little advice for this young ugly duckling out here.
Be yourself. Don't worry, honestly. Whatever you may think about judgements and senses. I love you, even if nobody else does. Trust me, the power of these words is immense. Whenever you're out there doing what you do, and a little cloud of darkness crosses your mind, a little tug of sadness pulls you towards itself, smile back. Know someone cares. Know that you can always come back to someone and be forgiven, unquestioningly. Know that.
Rant. Shout. Scream.
I'm here to hear. I'm here to listen. I'm here to love.
